im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
