don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
