You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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