I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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