Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i need some magic done to my vagina
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
