Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
