plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
