Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
