I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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