They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
