i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
