Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
