someone threw a dead crab at me
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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