I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
