I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
