oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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