3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
