Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize