if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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