Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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