sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
