i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
