You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You are the jesus of drinking
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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