If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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