The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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