Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
