90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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