Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
