I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
