i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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