I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
