I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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