i wish my penis had a tongue
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
