her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I stole a fireplace last night.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
