Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
