they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
did i walk over a car last night?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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