He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
