I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
