he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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