No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
