Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
