Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
