if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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