Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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