I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
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All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Text me some of your sweat
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