I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
