Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
