Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
