i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
