Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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