Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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